The Pest Called the Ex

So here's the scenario. You've just gotten out of your last relationship. You and your boyfriend/girlfriend ended on good terms. Both of you realized that things just weren't working out right, but decided to stay friends. But suddenly your friendly conversations start happening more frequently. He/she starts ending them with phrases like... I never should have let you go, and every so often wants to grab drinks or watch a movie. You're ready to move on, date new people and live a new life. But the person just keeps hanging on... to you, your mom, and your friends. Ladies and gents, it is time to get rid of that pesky ex.

My friend Alana has a problem. Her ex-boyfriend, Jake, will not leave her alone. They were both great together, but she wanted to move on and he wanted to be Peter Pan forever. They broke up a few months ago and decided to stay friends. However, Alana has found this great guy and Jake will not leave her alone. Apparently Jake realized he lost a good thing and wants her back. Alana was upfront, assertive and honest with him and even told him on a number of occasions that maybe the friend thing wouldn’t work out. Jake seemed to be missing during those conversations and didn’t get the hint. So Alana and I decided to make this a war game and see if any of the tricks we’ve watched on the movies or picked up from exterminators would work on Jake.

Jake loved to call Alana and leave stupid messages. We had her new boyfriend pick up the phone and talk to him. Jake would say things like, “Oh, is this Alanna’s new man? Treat her right man and do what she wants! She was great to me and I blew it. Hopefully, we can still be friends”. Umm, what?!? Jake, she doesn’t want to be friends with you, stop calling her. Jake apologized for calling and asked if he could pass the message that he called. We all looked at Alana and asked if she ever knew that her boyfriend was a d-bag. He doesn’t listen very well. Jake called back within the hour.

We had to up our war tactics. Alana decided to try and talk to him in person so she invited him over. Jake is a huge germaphob, so we knew what we had to do. To prepare, we booby trapped her house a la witches style. There were leaves, bones, (we had rotisserie chicken the night before), sticks, and other crap everywhere to look like a séance went bad. We tried to do the Carrie thing with a bucket of water, but it didn’t work. We also made Alana dress in ratty sweats, hair in a ponytail with chicken bones in it, and we had her spread goop (Vaseline with orangey eye shadow) all over her face. Jake was on time and rang the doorbell. She came out looking like a mess and he was visibly shocked. “Alana, what is going on? Are you ok? You look horrible and this place is a mess!”. Alana artfully responded, "Oh I am fine, just sick. The doctor thinks I have some weird rash all over my body that may be flesh eating and spreading, but it should go away in a month. He says it’s contagious, but I really wanted to talk to you so maybe we can talk on the porch. Hopefully, the bug’s not a jumper!” It was beautiful. Jake looked sick and said he had to go. We had other tricks up our sleeve in case he didn’t get it, but he didn’t bother Alana for a while.

The key to getting rid of your clueless ex-boyfriend is to be assertive and honest.Honestly, also remember you cannot sound as if you might be willing to let him back in. If he feels that he has even an inkling of a chance he will not give up. If all else fails, put a block on your phone and get a restraining order. Or better yet, inform some Mafia members. Yes, I'm serious. If a guy can't take it when you tell him openly not to call or show up at your house then he has a problem that he (not you) needs to solve. Get rid of the crazy so that you can let the right one in.

SOURCE: Exterminators