Professional Tone in Emails

(aka How Not to Come Off as a Douchebag) It blows my mind that professional business people who can talk to me cordially face-to-face or even on the phone can have a blatant disregard for how they treat me via email. Just because I can't see your face or hear your voice doesn't mean I can't read your tone, douchebag.


I work in a client-facing business, so I tend to have to eat a lot of sh*t. True, most of my clients are actually good (even great) human beings with whom I sincerely enjoy working. But there always seems to be at least one person who simply gets under my skin and works hard to stay there.

Currently, it's a serious monkey-scribbling douchebag who can't seem to figure out how to write to me with a modicum of grace and respect. The weird thing is that he's completely fine in person and on the phone. He appreciates the care and attention we bring to his project and understands that he's put us in a tough position. He says that he loves what we have done for him and that he's impressed with the product.

Now, I always strive to put myself in my client's shoes. From what I can see of him, he's a beleaguered owner of a company that is struggling to survive and he's scraping a living out of something that is his passion. He has bills to pay and mouths to feed. I completely understand. He's in a tough situation with a client and expects my company to pull out all the stops in order to make him look good. Honestly, I have no problem with that - that's part of what my company does. Or, at least, I wouldn't have a problem with it if he didn't come across as such a majorly disrespectful a$$hole in his written communications.

It has struck me lately that the written word can be a keen gateway into someone's true feelings. In person, people can hide behind smiles and crocodile tears. On the phone, you just need to put on a smile and breathe evenly in order to come across as cheery and sincere. People are damn good actors so much of the time because we are, in essence, extremely selfish creatures. Really, it's in our own best interest to play nice with others in order to get what we want and make our own lives easier. Yet, so many people forget this when writing. We just dash things off, thinking nothing of them because communication is faster and easier than ever.

Don't just dash off that note! Seriously, how difficult is it simply to rearrange some words and add a please and thank you? So, here's a fabricated example of a communication after-and-before:

What a respectful, considerate human being would send: I'm wondering when you think a final version will be available for me to review. It doesn't look quite ready yet. We're on a tight deadline. There are several changes I'd like to make. What would be the best way for me to provide you with feedback?

What a professional douchebag would send: When do you think we will see a final version of this? I can't believe this is such a mess. I was under the impression that it was ready to go.

Here are a few hints, Mr. Pro-Douchebag:

1. Grow up. The world doesn't revolve around you. Stop thinking that throwing tantrums will get you what you want.
2. Don't exaggerate, fabricate, lie by omission or fling around inaccurate blame. Know the situation and the expectations before you get all up in arms.
3. Honey frequently works better than caustic acid when it comes to any relationship.  In fact, you'll actually get more out of me and I'll be more committed to working with you if you are nice.
4. Read what you have written before you hit send and think about how someone might take it. Put yourself in that person's place.
5. Never hit send when you are in an emotional or stressed out state or if you have any trepidation about the communication you have created.  Stop, give it some time and go to #4.
6. Grow up. (I know that was #1. It's worth repeating.)

I have frequently heard the adage "don't read tone into emails" but come on! How can I not when it's so ridiculously blatant? But really, it says more about the person writing it than it does about me.  In fact, it's not about me at all and I work not to take it personally.  I know that I strive to do my best.  And, no matter how enraged I am by tone and attitude, I suck it up, breathe and continue to treat douchebags with the respect and cordiality that I expect from others. I may bitch to my co-workers, but I won't fall to level D. It's not my style. Besides, I find that it's just easier to be nice than to piss people off.

Sometimes you just don't feel like blogging.

So, you sign up for something that you have to do on a periodic basis and it's fun… at first. Then, as life happens and you realize that it's a commitment, you lose the spark. The inspiration fades. And you find that it's something you've come to dread. A chore.

Once again, you're tempted to quit something that was once important to you. Something that was once a passion, an inspiration. You want to give up because it's become a little difficult. Something that's lost its newness, the excitement, that loving feeling.

And now, you're afraid you've lost it forever. That you'll never get back that spark that it once had. Thoughts run through your head: I have nothing to say. I'm tired and over-worked and over-stressed and I just don't have time for it. Will it feel as good if I'm really not in the mood for it? Will I enjoy it? Will other people like it?

Just suck it up and deal. You made the commitment. You chose to do it. Sure, it's not a life or death situation if you don't write tonight. Yeah, no one is actually going to think less of you for not posting a blog every other Friday. Except for you. And - to be honest - you still really do love it.

So, stop it. Just sit down and write something. It's like sex sometimes when you've had a really long day at work. You may think you're not in the mood for it, but once you start, it just feels good to sit down and get busy. And speaking of that, now that I'm done with my blog tonight… Oh, Malcolm! Let's go take a bath.

SOURCE: Image: Master isolated images / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Musical Mania

Being snarky sometimes takes you to a dark place, so it's very important to find something that drags you out of your hole.  Sometimes you just need to be ridiculous and have a good laugh. "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion."

I was on a road trip this summer with my crazy roommate when he introduced me to this tune and Mika. We were both in foul moods at the time but that changed as I listened.  Yes, it's goofy and makes you feel like perhaps you are on an acid trip but it still makes me smile every time I play it.  I've seen way to many people (myself included) lately that seem to be in desperate need of some laughter.

Have you been suckin' to hard on your lollipop? 

SOURCE: Louisa Stokes / FreeDigitalPhotos.net; YouTube

Pip, Pip, Cherrio for Downton Abbey

Ahh, the British. Perfecting the art of put-downs since before America was born. If you are a fan of British period dramas, then you know what I'm talking about. In the show, Downton Abbey, Dame Maggie Smith's character, Violet, the Dowager Countess of Grantham, perfects the art of insult with an air of grace.

For those of you who have not seen this show, or do not like British television, you are missing out. The series is set in Downton Abbey, a fictional Yorkshire country house of the Earl and Countess of Grantham and chronicles the lives of the Crawley family and their servants during the years before and during World War I. Lots of turns and twists happen between the servants and the family, but it is the dialogue between the characters (and the Dowager Countess) that keeps this show moving.

Check out some scenes that highlight some of her best put-downs.

I basically watch the show to find out what she is going to say next. It's really quite brilliant.

I also feel that there are a few things from this show that we can all learn. For instance, it's okay to not pretend that you are the nicest person in the room. If there is someone that always seems to think they are better than you and tries to one-up you or put you down in their own way, let them have it. The best retort to anything that they say can be, "Oh, of course you think this or that," or "that doesn't surprise me in the least," or my favorite, "why ever would you do that?" The possibilities are endless.

However, when you are "putting down", remember that making facial expressions is important to furthering your retort. The Dowager Countess has no problem showing her disdain as she is saying her lovely words. She doesn't apologize for what she thinks and she certainly makes it known. I've been practicing this lately and I must say, that it is highly effective.

For example:

Snobbish friend: "While I was summering in Athens. . . "

Me: "Oh, of course you summer in Athens". [Insert look of feigned interest]

Snobbish friend: "Umm, I know not everyone can go to Athens, including you, but it is really lovely in the summer. . blah, blah, blah. . ."

My response, "Oh, I'm sure it's quite lovely. . " [Insert pointed stare with a hint of sarcasm and exasperation]

Season 2 of this great show is just as wit-filled as season 1, and I found out that they are in the works of making a season 3. I know I will be working on my put-downs and witty comebacks in anticipation.

SOURCE: Georgia Public Broadcasting

The Invitation is Addressed to You

Hey friend, I'm throwing this amazing party and I'm inviting you! You want to bring a guest...well...ummm...wait a minute!  Why am I feeling bad because you're being rude?  This is my party and I'll invite who I want to.  NO apologies and NO univited guests. 

A few months ago my fellow apple Scarlet did a post on the frustrations of the "maybe" response that seems to be all the rage when you're invited to a party.  Check out Definitely Maybe, it's a good read if you didn't catch it the first time.  I sense a series of etiquette posts might be developing here.  So let's dive into my snark re: the UNINVITED GUEST.

Obviously I have theories and personal feelings on the subject but that could be just me. So in thinking through this frustration I decided to look-up and reference the expert on manners, Ms. Emily Post.  I entered the term uninvited guests into the search engine and here is what pops up in big bold letters.  "Question:  What is ruder than yakking on your cell phone in a restaurant?  Answer:  Bringing an uninvited guest to an event."  I think a little glistening tear trickled down when I read that.  Now I understand that Ms. Post's response is particularly tailored towards printed invitations and sometimes in this world of Evites, Facebook events and emails traditional etiquette is lost but come on people!  This is not rocket science.  Those who are invited receive invitations one way or another.  It is not up to you as the guest to put additional people on the list.

I am hostessing an event in which you are invited to whether it's a picnic in the park or a formal dinner in my home I'm doing the bulk of the work and therefore I get to call the shots.  I don't throw an event without a very specific idea of what I want the finished product to look at feel like, there is method to my madness I promise.  Invitations be they print or electronic are for YOU unless specifically indicated otherwise.

Do NOT ask if you can bring a plus one--if the invitation includes a plus one I would tell you before you had to ask.
Do NOT ask me if you can bring a plus two--really you think you need two?.
Do NOT ask me why "x & y" couple aren't on the list whilst they're standing in front of me--yeah cause that's not awkward for everyone involved. If you're curious who's on the guest list then ask
Do NOT ignore my very direct response when I tell you that I can't accommodate additional guests--really I'm not playing the passive-aggressive game--no means no!

What happens in these scenarios is that I'm a nice person and I will accommodate your rudeness but you're off my list for all future events.  If this seems harsh to you, it's meant to be. Let me tell you a short story that might illuminate the source of some of my frustrations.  This fall I was planning a cook-out with bonfire in my back yard.  Fall is my season an I do everything I can to enjoy it to the fullest.  I created a very specific guest list because I wanted it small and intimate and I wanted the guests to all know each other well so it would be very comfortable.  I had limited seating and I was providing the meat as well as the booze but I allowed each of my guests to bring a plus one (most of them are coupled up).  One of my single gal friends, Lynn plans to bring a friend as her plus one--no big deal we've hung out before and she knows many of the guests so I'm not worried.  The week before the event Lynn asks me if it's alright if she brings her sister along two.  Not okay!  Her sister in one evening at a different gathering managed to offend 3/4 of the people coming to cook-out including me (and it take A LOT to offend me).  So as much as I want to be nice I tell Lynn that I can't accommodate anyone else.  I don't know how one interprets a "NO" as a yes but that's exactly what Lynn does.  The day before the forecast the weather is looking rainy and I email all of my guest to warn them cancellation might happen.  I get a response back from Lynn's sister Carla saying she was really looking forward to this and couldn't we just reschedule it to the next day?  Apparently the weather was supposed to be amazing and it would work better with her schedule anyway. WHAT THE WHAT?!!  I don't sputter often but I was reading the message on my phone around friends and there were concerns that I would stroke out.  Lynn: What the hell?  Carla:  Who the eff do you think you're talking to here?  After I cooled down a bit I sent a firm response saying that wasn't possible because I was already committed to other plans.  Lynn has subsequently been removed off of any future invitations for parties I might be throwing because that is RIDONKULOUS!

We hostesses don't ask for much folks.  A little common sense and common courtesy goes a long way.  Time, money, energy and talents are in very limited supply so be mindful and respectful and you'll continue to receive invitations to the fun stuff.  If not well...you're out!  Which is really too bad because I throw some kick ass parties.

SOURCE: photostock/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

You are not your child.

One of my greatest pet peeves since the advent of Facebook has been people using their child's photo as their profile picture. Yes, your child may be the cutest of the cute and I understand that you want to share that with the world, BUT YOU ARE NOT YOUR CHILD, so don't post his or her picture as if it were your own. Who's profile is this anyway?

A profile image is the featured picture of the subject of an online profile. It is representative of who you are. This is your Facebook page.

You may feel that you are better represented by a piece of art, a photo of a flower, a sketch that you have made or a grey square. And - some will think I'm being inconsistent by stating this - I'm basically fine with that. Although I don't feel it's as quality as a photo of you, you are making a connection to something and saying "that is a reflection of who I am."

Additionally, I have absolutely no problem with you posting a photo of you and your child. That makes sense. There you are showing off your adorably cute child and making a connection between the two of you. You are basically stating, "This relationship reflects the best of who I am. I love this."

But posting a picture solely of your child makes me think that you have actually lost your sense of identity. You do realize that that child does not represent you, right? In fact, a photo of your child tells me nothing of who you are. To me, you are saying, "I am my child. I have lost myself in this. I am no longer an individual."

If you want to put a picture of someone up there, be proud and make it of you. Stop hiding behind your kid. I don't care if you're as fugly as Dolly Parton's last facelift. I don't care if you've gained as much weight as Jabba the Hutt. You are my friend and I want to see you. I am friends with you first. Your child is an added bonus.

SOURCE: Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Looking for Mr. Right?

I don't profess to know all, but over the years I have watched many a single friend play the dating game. What I've discovered is that there are a few things that don't seem to work in the quest to find a mate (at least in my limited observation group). These are a few reasons you might still be single:

1. Because you want to be. This one seems like an odd one, but I have dealt with this more than once. If you're content being single, that's cool. This thing is, just be cool with it. Don't pretend you are looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right. Don't commiserate about the lack of fish in the sea. Don't bitch about how everyone you meet is not good enough. If you don't want to date, don't date, but don't play the poor sad single role because you think that's what people expect of you. Trust me, ALL of your friends find this annoying.

2. Because you have completely unreasonable mating expectations.You will generally not find a homely socially awkward homebody paired with an modelesque social butterfly. Why? Because 1) their worlds don't intersect and 2) their personal interests don't line up. I'm not saying it could never happen, but without some common denominator - this is a highly unlikely paring. So, what does this mean? It means that it is NOT a good idea for Socially Awkward to ignore (or flat out reject) viable partners encountered every day because of some never gonna happen fantasy. If you are the lucky one meant to be with Social Butterfly, you will (assuming you believe in destiny, fate, and all that stuff). For the rest of you, open your eyes and realize how many very cool people you're passing up with your nonsense.

3. Because you are an @sshole. Remember in grade school, when you made fun of someone or punched them in the arm because you liked them? Yeah, well, it was a lame pick-up tactic then and it is COMPLETELY lame now. If you (a) pride yourself in "telling it like it is" no matter what the circumstance, (b) have been single forever, and (c) don't want to be, then you might be an a-hole and not know it. It is not cute to give people sh*t all the time, not attractive to be argumentative for no reason, and it's mean to continue teasing/mocking after you've been told to stop. Nobody wants to date the a-hole.

4. Because you aren't even trying. Do you get up, go to work, go back home, vegetate in front of the tv (or curl up with a book)? Do you cringe when you see calls/messages from your friends asking you to come hangout? Do you bitch and moan every time you do go out, basically making the people you who invited you regret it? Listen, there are no available eligible single people at your house, at your office, or in front of the tv (or in a book). In order to meet someone, you have to go to where the people are and not look like such a sour puss when you get there.

5. Because you surround yourself with kryptonite. If every time you go out, you surround yourself with your girls, your gays, your guys, etc., you are making it pretty tough for someone to approach. Nobody likes to walk into a den of wolves. So, step from away the posse and let people know that you are free. If they can't tell, they'll just walk on by.

These are but a few reasons you might be single (I don't presume to have exhausted the topic). Here's the thing, I'm not a matchmaker wannabe - it takes far too much effort. I love all my friends, be they single or coupled, but sometimes I get tired of the whining. If you want someone, I want you to find someone, but it takes a little work. If you are always bitching about your single status, then it's time to take a look in the mirror and figure out what YOU may be doing to contribute to it.

SOURCE: Dan Talson/Dreamstime.com

Snarky's Going Golden

It's award season, which means it's time for the Apples to do what they do best: admire the pretty people, comment on entertainment, and judge the crap out of the fashion missteps. Up first, Golden Globes. Y'all ready?

My Obsession with Nail Art

New year, new nails. Welcome to the advancement of nail color. Trees, skull and crossbones, insignias, marble, lace, flowers, you name it, I've tried it on my nails. Forget high-fashion clothes, shoes, or jewelry. High fashion nails are all the rage and I am a in love with them all.

With 2011 going bye-bye, my New Year's resolution has been to save money and be fiscally fit for 2012. However, it is hard to do when money has been tight since 2010. I mean, a girl needs clothes, shoes, and make-up right?

Well, since cash is strapped, I've been noticing a trend both online, and with a lot of my friends lately. Since we can't buy clothes or shoes (my taste is way too expensive), we have been buying nail polish and glitter. These past couple of months have been tons of fun for my friends and I trying cool art.

I mean, my nails EXPLODED. They have the flare of an upper east side kid in Dylan's candy bar (or more appropriately, a Minnetonka housewife at Seven for drinks) with a twist of conservatism. I can't rock crazy nails at work, so I have to make it look tasteful, yet fun. The great thing is that I am able to get "something" for myself, without having to worry about spending a lot of money. This new fetish has also made me take care of my nail health way more than I have done in the past. My hands are starting to look angelic, glow-y, and youthful.

You can find a variety of nail colors, patterns, jewels, glitter, decals, stickers, and brushes at your local drugstore near you.

SOURCE: Nail Art!

Checkmate for Sherlock Holmes

"Who done it?” Mystery is not a genre that I have ever been overly excited about whether in literature, television or film. Nor am I generally an individual who likes to play games, but for Sherlock Holmes (Oh who am I kidding? For me, it’s all about the amazingness that is Robert Downey Jr.), I would make an exception. I consider myself to be clever and competitive, but this is most certainly a game I would lose with pleasure. Take your friend, your significant other, your mother or go alone--there is something for everyone! Just do yourself a favor and get to the nearest big screen, grab a buttery bucket of popcorn (or bacon-flavored popcorn if you’re smart) and sit back and enjoy the ride, you won't regret it.

I'm going to assume that all of you have wisely watched the first Sherlock Holmes film. If you haven't, what the heck are you waiting for? Y'all have Netflix, Hulu, Blu-Ray players, etc. and it was released in 2009, so you've had plenty of time. But I digress...shocking, it's not like that ever happens.

A Game of Shadows is a perfect description for this film that is all about the strategy. One brilliant mind placed solidly in opposition to the other and we the audience are taken along for an amazing ride while they play their game of "chess" with each other all beneath the public eye. I believe this early dialogue in the film sets the entire mood. Professor Moriarty: "Are you sure you want to play this game? Sherlock Holmes: "I'm afraid you'd lose."

I was hugely impressed by the performance of Jared Harris as Professor James Moriarty. Many of you will recognize him from his portrayal Lane Pryce in Mad Men. He crafted the character of Professor Moriarty to be a perfect foil to our hero Holmes, a near equal in every way. From the minute he appears on screen you are intrigued and drawn into his sinister plans.

As in the previous film I continue to enjoy the chemistry of the pairing of Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. I'm the first to admit I'm not a huge Jude Law fan, but this partnership works and they seemed to only deepen the relationship between their characters in this sequel. I was a little disappointed by the minimal participation by Rachel McAdams as I thought the chemistry between her and Robert Downey Jr. in the previous film is impressive. I will allow that her early departure from the film does help to push the story along. (I hope that was vague enough not to be a spoiler.)

Robert Downey Jr....le sigh...I HEART RDJ and I have for years. The man looks more amazing now than he did in his 20s! Looks aside though RDJ is brilliant on screen and he connects with the character of Sherlock Holmes in a way that is movie magic. You can't help but laugh and enjoy the ride. I particularly enjoyed his foray into cross-dressing in this film. He doesn't make a pretty woman but I'm really not sad about that.

This movie junkie is telling you to go to the theater and watch Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows. This film is well worth your time, money and laughter.

SOURCE: Warner Bros.; YouTube